Hardly Love

I told the girl look here.. calm down. I'm gonna hold your hand.

2009-10-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

It took me ten days- but I finally am missing him. However, I'm not regretting my decision, as I am not missing him in the way that I expected to. I miss talking to him and I miss his company... I don't miss kissing him or loving him. I miss him holding me while we watched TV and I miss cooking dinner together, but I dont miss arguing with him and the way that he criticised my choices.

What I'm getting at is that I miss my friend, Evan. I miss my buddy who I spent so much time with over the past three years. I don't miss the lover and I don't want the relationship I had back with him.

But I did wish his arms were around me when I woke up this morning... I felt alone for the first time in a very long time.

Sniffing like a dog on a cold day,,,,

2009-10-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

What does being in love mean anyways?

I clean up your vomit when you don't know your last name... and I am happy to do it.

That spells L-O-V-E to me.

I might not be Cinderella.....

2009-10-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

....but I do like glitter, pumpkins and believing my dreams will come true someday.

I am ready to get swept up in life. I want to cry hard and laugh hard and feel so sad and so happy. I miss the extremes. I have been just floating in the middle for a really long time. I never laugh until I can't breathe or smile until my face hurts.... I never cry until I think I am going to suffocate or my lungs are just going to pop. Okay- I can live without the second half of that- but I do really miss feeling sublimely happy.

I stocked up on waterproof mascara--- Bring on the emotions, baby.

Nobody is ever going to hand me freedom. I have to make it for myself.

2009-10-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

So what is it that I am seeking?
I have been asking myself this over and over and over and over and over the past few weeks. What the hell is it that I want? I already had a job I love, a nice house to live in, a boyfriend who loved me, a nice car, good friends, enough money, I was pretty satisfied... why would I give that up? What am I looking for?

Here it is: I don't want to feel just satisfaction. I want to feel elation! I don't want a boyfriend who loves me, I want a boyfriend who is crazy about me, and who I am crazy for. I don't want a nice house to live in--- I want a HOME to wrap myself up in when the world seems cold. As for the car, the money, the job... I can make these things happen for myself, and I have, but....

I just refuse to settle in love.
If love is not there what is the point?
Getting in a nice car will NEVER feel as good as someone who is really truly in love with you holding you.

So there it is: My mission statement. I WILL NOT SETTLE.

You never have regrets when you're the pilot of a jet that's going down.....

2009-10-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

Put in my notice at work, ended things with my long-time boyfriend, seeking new jobs and new cities to call my own.... considering bizarre outfits and out-of-this-world language.

..... I think I might be having the quarter-life crisis that I have been hearing so much about.

Wake up naked, drinking coffee, making plans to change the world.....

2009-10-13T09:24:00.001-07:00

So my last post... I made it on Saturday, October 3, 2009.. that was the day of my Grandpa's death.

He passed away in his sleep, not knowing who he was... or who I or his wife was.... or who his children were....

but we still knew who he was.

I left Sunday afternoon and drove to Cape Girardeau for his service on Tuesday morning. They promised me that the casket would not be open, but when we walked into the room there he was. His mustache was shaved off, his hair was not the way he kept it, maticulously parted and combed and neat, but instead short and matted back. He was not the strong, amazing man who I spent most of my childhood summers playing with... I did not want to see him like that. My Grandmother is the strongest person I know now. She stayed by his side every single day, even once he forgot who she was and even when he was no longer able to speak.. there she was. She fufilled her vows of marriage more fully than I can ever imagine. There is a DCFC song that says "Love is watching someone die..." I think I understand that more now. It's easy to love a strong man, it must be brutal to watch the life slip from your husband of 65 years and still love him and stay by his side.

I hope someday to know love like that.
I hope someday to love someone the way she loved him, diligently, steadily, and absolutly unwaivering in the presence of the most diffucult tests of loyality.

May he rest in peace-- such a wonderful man deserves nothing less.

Baby you need a break so let's just run away.

2009-10-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

I feel like I might feel too much. I am always thinking about 5000 thoughts at a time and falling in love with everyone I meet. I feel so much so constantly that my mind is muddled with thought and I sometimes find it very hard to speak. It's like all the words are trying to get out at the same time and they get stuck... it leaves me just studdering and looking like an idiot.

Also- I want to tell people how I really feel about them all the time... but people are uncomfortable with emotion. How do you tell a friend who you have not known for a really long time but who means a lot to you that you love them? How do you say that they have made an impact on you and you are so thankful that they are in your life? Well, if youre me, you just say it.. and then watch as they look uncomfortable and dont know what to say.

Ugh. I'm starting all of my thoughts with I and ME today. It's time to get out into the world and stop contemplating why I feel so out of place in it.

2009-10-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

What am I supposed to do? What is the right thing for a girl to do when she is in love with someone who she can not have.

Everything's on fire...

2009-09-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here in my PJs... already in and out of bed twice tonight. I think it's going to be another one of those long sleepless ones. I have memorized the carpet over the edge of the bedframe in the past few weeks... always thinking that I am dead tired then as soon as I lay down I am flooded with thought.

So I got some news today. Still not decided on whether I am happy or sad about it-- I might be neither... or both.... My Grandpa's 89th birthday was today. I want to talk about him for a moment.

My Grandpa was born in 1920 in a very small German community in Missouri. His birth name was Wilhelm Albert Siebert and was born to Ida and Otto Siebert. He had an older sister named Ruth, a younger brother named Raymond, and a baby sister named Ruby. Ruby died very young. My Grandpa often spoke about her and it was a little heartbreaking every time, even though I don't think he meant for it to be. I heard funny stories about this little girl. She accidently lit the outhouse on fire once- they had to relieve themselves in a barn until spring came and the ground unfroze. Grandpa always felt the need to say it was an accident over and over again-- almost like he wishes he could take back every time he complained about having to 'go' in a barn.

Wilhelm went to German school and German church as a child- he never even learned English until the seventh grade when he had to drop out of school and start working. German-American's were under harsh critiscm from the rest of the country because of Hitler and his army of darkness. My Grandpa's family had to give up their entire heritage. He spoke English and went to an English speaking church. He hid his German books and his German Bible. He even gave up his name. Wilhelm Siebert would now be just William.

He worked in a shoe factory his whole life. Married a woman named Bonnie Ella Dee Brown. She was from a near-by town and was stunning. He bought my Grandma's pie at a fair and gave her a ride home. They got married. My Grandmother forgot her ID card on their honeymoon and they got kicked out of some bars together.

Just a few years ago my Grandpa would still talk about my Grandma's nice legs and about how cute she was. My Grandma would say she was fat and that he was full of shit. It was so adorable. My Grandpa is dying... he'll be gone any day now.

I am going to miss his laugh so much.

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On a completly different topic.

Apparently the think there is water on the moon now... billions of gallons of it. How did we not see it when we walked there? Seems weird to me. There is suppsed to be lots of water on Mars too-- and there are huge valleys on it like the Grand Canyon-- we are talking lots of water for a long time. I wonder if there were little Mars fish? ...or little Mars people?

On discovery channel today they said that the first people who will colonize Mars have probably already been born-- CRAZY! And also- a big no thank you. It would take six months in one of those little rockets just to get there. I'm sure peeing in a suction tube and then breathing your recycled urine water would lose it's impressive qualities by then.

Apparentlty in a weightless enviornment your bones just dissipate at a rate of 2% a month, even if you are taking lots of supplements and strapping yourself to a tredmill for two hours a day. Six months= a 12% loss in bone density. Sounds like a broken hip to me... not to these crazies. Their bones decay and their muscles atrophy and then they strap on big suits and want to go hiking on other planets.